Part-1

Memoirs of a Drunkard Manager

22 June 2014:

Woke up at around 4:00 AM! It’s strange to wake up so early after consuming 4 beers last evening, whereas general impression is after drinking so much alcohol, people sleep longer. Anyway, I have good way to kill time when I wake up early morning, laptop. Not needed to start laptop as it was on whole night to download movies from torrent sites. Laptop was hot due to constant running, restarted twice to pull back performance, opened a you-tube ORNOB TV debate, and started playing on-line pool game. But hey, I could not focus, head was spinning. Tried to focus but no luck. But, I have been a physical scientist (hehehe). I have discovered the art of getting rid of alcohol induced head spinning. It’s vulgar to write but I jerk off to get rid of it. And how to get excitement for that jerks off, easy, internet has that as well. Opened a porn site, saw a few videos, and there I go, was very relaxed after this. Could focus better and react properly. I believe this too early waking up gives me that free time when there is myself and no one else. Kids sleeping, I get 4 hours of alone time to get back that personal space, even though temporary, it’s bliss.

I just getting this in my mind, Am I a chronic alcoholic? I drank 4 beers last evening, 3 beers the other day, 2 beers before that day. What has happened to me? How come I became such a drunkard? Well, I could make many excuses but there is a sense of being alone inside. Many emotions, many thoughts, many clarifications, many anguish, many compliments, which I was to share with many people around, some of them are dead, some are alive but from past experiences I know there is no point sharing with them. They all are having their own challenges, frustrations, achievements, compromises that for me to share with them would not make things better. How I see it is , as a beer bottle full of foam inside ready to explode, but I have put the lid tight on top of it. The foam pressurizes the walls of bottle, creates dejection, to forget that, beer is ultimate solution.

Saturday was a working day, interviews for software engineers for our department. Three of us along with recruitment team sat from 10 AM through continuous interviews to hire 12 for team. Due to bad quality of resumes it has been a long battle to select right candidates. All crap products come for PXL interviews; perhaps they don't know the PXL as a brand. Have a feeling; company should create a brand if they are looking for good resources in IT sector. Had pizza at lunch, was good for a change. Ate three pies and felt full.

One of the bright resources plight due to emotional inclinations to a colleague girl makes me laugh and feel sad at the same time. He has been very intelligent, hardworking and carrying positive attitude. I realized that 2 years back and kept the high flyer career option before him, he agreed to it and he kept growing very fast. Got two promotions and many quality awards for studies and kept moving. The one thing which kept growing inside him was that little hidden arrogance which I realized and kept him telling to keep in control. He tried I believe but then arrogance got better of him. And, then this girl came into picture. Well, she was in picture for long, but they got closer during time spend in office. He has become very protective about her now. I could have guided and checked his addiction for the girl at least in office space, but alas, he has been moved to new manager. It’s been a strategy of senior local management to move all good resources from my bank to the new manager to corner me. I took a principal stand during team division and there the game happened. I was hoping that UK management would interfere but they didn't and it happened. Anyway, I have no hard feelings against it, As I myself, am trying to detach from emotional bond with team. Perhaps, new job is a good option for me. But hey, at that package, jobs would be less so I have to be patient before I get one. Back to plight of resource, he has become a laughing stock in team and between managers. He earlier agreed with his new manager to come on Sunday as the girl was coming in Sunday to support urgent backlog due to data center move issues. After all communications about this arrangement to global team, girl's validation team planned to work on Saturday, so girl was asked to come on Saturday and here the emotional addiction of boy forced him to change his mind. In that emotional high state, he called his new manager and told him his change of plans to work on Saturday. If he was not emotionally addicted, he could have realized that it’s a booby trap and people would easily know the reasons for change of plans.

The new manager and associate director are bitching about it openly in front of me, I want to reach out to the guy and plead him to curb his emotions (I did once upon asking of AD recently just before the team divide, but now I realize that it was a trick of AD to create those differences between me and half of team). I would write the whole conversation in next page, As I think It was a good discussion, I played well there to put points very clearly between both of them, but perhaps the audience was not the right age for that discussions and they are behaving like a love bird. The cunning smile of a senior colleagues when I mentioned few who planned didn't come and few who were not expected did come to support is a clear indication that whole team has sensed this chemistry and are laughing about it. It’s a serious problem for team as emotional baggage would put the resource in corner and he could take some bad decisions lethal for him and team prospects especially in light of LCD initiative. On top of everything, he was pursued by AD to move to afternoon shift with a plea of LCD initiative. I think, even though LCD initiative plea is genuine, he may take this one as management attempt to distance him from his girl and create hatred for management. Let's see how it goes ? Hope all settles well. In this respect, I am a little happy that this is not happening in my team. Bad to think, that's a honest confession.

Got a call from Onky yesterday afternoon during interviews. He is a good friend and we have not met for long. He wanted to meet me along with one of his colleague turned friend Aseem, who is currently as SAUDI and wants to relocate to INDIA even if for lesser package. Onky has been in financial mess for long as he has mentioned it to me quite many times. The bad news for him is so elongated that I start getting depressed when I see his number on my mobile ringing. Strange but true, the depression is infectious and amid all my depressive states, I want to avoid one more. But, he is a good friend, so I have to listen to his sad story, he has been struggling for long, but he also can't share this with his family, same case as I have, but the good thing for him is that he has a pair of ears in me to at least hear the frustration. He got married 1 year ago, her wife is cute. But, she has been living with her mother-in-law for long. Onky tells me positive side of this separate living saying she needs to spend time with her mom, but it could be due to financial crisis as well. Anyway, I hope that his worries end soon. He is a hard working guy, very gentle nature and man of words, he should not have got difficulties in jobs at least, but whatever I have felt bad in him is his patriarchal attitude, his pride of being born in brahmin family and having a superlative complex. Not his fault, but this ego sometime comes in way of making compromises on job where he lag a lot. Hope, life would teach him that and he realizes that good earning jobs have plenty of compromises hidden which perhaps no proud father teaches his sons. Once misses that in childhood, life teaches us very hard way, a way which totally punctures the inflated ego and straightens the angled pride.

What a feeling getting linkedin short messages from Yogesh bhai and some time back from Ranga bhai ! Both asking for any openings in my current company. Time changes fast. There was a day when yogesh took my interview in infotech as software engineer and I was so new to IT world that I was calling SIR to even junior staff. Life is changing so fast, that I am scared. It’s a mixed feeling actually. One wave of pride comes at back of mind, which forces me to shout at top of voice telling world, see, I how much I have achieved, that the people who recruited me are looking for references. If an IT guy, it’s an achievement for sure. Just when I am about to feel pride about it, another bigger wave of fear comes and tells me of the future uncertainty. If this could happen to them, it could happen to me as well. My negative is that I don't have a backup support system, Feeling of being jobless and the commitments I have financially gives me such a panic that all the waves of pride subside below that. I get scared, very much scared. Hope, one day, I could come out of this, but at the moment, it’s very very scary. I need to work without stopping for another 10-15 years for sure to fulfil my minimum commitment with kids. They are so young that by the time they grow as teen, I would be 50+. Common life, give me strength for that. I need to be with them when their career is starting. God help me.

The new CNDUT bunch in office is bitch club. These morons are always sulking before senior director, move in blocks and keep murmuring. I have a feeling they hate me, my confidence in front of senior management. I don't know, but I have this in me, I could be full of confidence in meeting, I thought, It would be appreciated but its been hated. I think this part of office culture everywhere. I don't mind it. It was strange to hear their whispers in urinal "Look how he talks, he is behaving like AAD !". We had just broke from monthly RTSM managers meeting with Verender, I talked with ease about issues and opportunities with all. Should not we talk with confidence? Leave it, there is not pointing thinking about this. May be, I should be very polite with them while talking.

Vibhash, the typical Bihari guy. Yeah, this is also alive this week. This guy came to HYD after my arrival in search of jobs. He could not get one quickly and moved back. Now, after eight years, after having wife and kids, his incomes sources seems to have dried up and looking for a break in IT industry. I somehow convinced Keshava about his abilities and got the interview lined up. With little bit of hesitation he cleared first round, but got rejected in second round by Keshava. Communication skills, the reason. Bihari would have this problem for sure, especially when one has hard impact of local slang. Poor guy, could not work on this area in Bihar and that's hurdle for his IT career. Keshava, as usual, working on Verender agenda, rejected for this reasons, I am being very cynical writing this, but it should be a honest blog. I also, in hind sight, was happy at rejection. Yeah looks like villain, but that's true, I always has a worry that close connections from native, if working in office place together, could bring dark chapters alive to new people, which I would not like at all. Forget about earlier hard times of life, if he somehow speaks about the "LADKI and ONE NIGHT" episode, would not be good for my self-respect and image. Keshava changed his mind on Saturday, and asked me to take a call on it, He may have expected me to quickly start saying "THANK YOU" etc. But, I kept calm and asked back to give me one week to rethink. He may be thinking something else but I know the reason why I am asking for time. Very selfish of me, but can't help !!

23-June-2014

Its Monday and I have asked for a leave with AD. Yeah, pretty tired and want to have a non-working day during weekday. My way to induce authority over things not-under-control. Well, last afternoon was a big denial moment for me. Onky, just few steps away from my home, asking for time to meet up but I kept on excusing on my spinning head and request to come tomorrow. Yeah, it’s really bad to do this way but the shape what I was in after so many beers Saturday evening, were putting me totally out of shape and I didn't want to meet one except him in such a bad shape. Yeah, he was with some Srinivas, to which I didn't want to meet in such bad shape. Finally, he went back without meeting and I didn't check back. Never mind, It’s better to not to meet in bad shape than to oblige and then get a bad impression. I hope Onky understands this. I had told him plans of meeting today, hope he turns up. Last night USSR-Belgium match was so boring that I am almost deciding to not to watch any more. Really slow and novice game played by both sides. This morning, woke up at around 6:45 AM and without any plan picked up the phone. Well, that may not be true, as the alarm must be ringing to attract my attention. I checked the stuff and found a missed call from AD. Without checking the time of call, I simply called back. AD, must be in his last minutes of sleep, replied in lazy voice, exchanged good mornings and mentioned that he wanted to check about issues with systems on Sunday. I mentioned that three people were working on Sunday, the love bird pair and another one. He further clarified that he got the information from the new manager and I was somehow relaxed. People have to take that pain of reporting on weekends, and it should not be always me reporting of issues. Actually, I logged on Sunday to check about work, found these three working. But, very awkward of me, did not ping them to check about status. All of a sudden, I have become a very conservative when it comes to team calling. Ideally, I was very out spoken and free for all always, but something has changed inside me. It was just a matter of pinging them, saying good morning, and checking about issues outstanding but I did not move. Well, Not sure how did it happened, but now a days I don't think too much on my behavior towards people. Perhaps it’s the process of emotional detachment which is under progress. Hope I get a new job, before it explodes in to something annoying incident.

Recollecting the chat occurred in AD's car on the way to office on Saturday for interviews. AD was sharing the conflict which happened to him with HR and recruitment team on Friday afternoon over a candidate's rejection by HR on pretext of bad communication skills and hyper emotional attitude. AD was very excited telling the story putting himself as HERO of the situation and rest other villains. Although, I didn't find any wrong in what he did in that situations. A girl, selected and cleared by us in two technical rounds was good and she stumbled in HR round. HR as usually, having superlative complex over other team, didn't communicate properly the reasons of rejections to AD. Padmini, after so many chase ups, finally gave a small reply about bad communication skills and emotional issues as reasons for rejection. AD had small discussion on bad resume quality and excessive efforts to hire right candidates. Without too much of discussion, recruitment team was shouted upon by HR and hence was a situation created. AD did the right thing to call all parties on one table for discussion, not sure, how it has been taken by all other teams as for my experience HR has been egoistic all the time. Historically, HR head, is the founder of company INDIA office, hence he is termed as BOSS of all by culture. HR carries this superlative and upper hand attitude in daily discourse. AD, himself like the new manager is a person who wants to have all the controls possible. I see this as a interest clash. I mentioned AD to be a careful in not to hurt the inflated ego of HR partners. I am not sure how he may have taken it but I spoke my mind. Let us see, How it boils down to different teams in future. How I see the situation is, no matter how correct and morally right one could be on a subject, not to impose it on others as they could have different perspective to it. It could be a case when others were forced to agree on our view point for once, but it creates a hair crack in relations and other teams sit in a tiger-waiting-for-prey mode waiting for one mistake by us to hunt us down. Well, this I have learnt from my experience when in conflict with SD on another recruitment issues and I still carry that hair crack in our relation which has almost alienated myself from main course. SD tries all his powers to keep creating awareness in teams about my alienation, May it be domain expertise or anything else. I have learnt it hard way and I mentioned this to AD as well. Despite all these issues of delayed recruitment and extra efforts and escalations and fights, I feel victorious at times. Again, I am a little selfish here, but the blot on me for slow recruitment on SETL position pointed by SD is being proven wrong somehow. New man in charge, his strategies, we following the line, stills no results. So, it was not me but the process of recruitment and our job requirements which were tough to be met in tight deadlines Mr. SD. Now you realize, I would be very very happy if someone points to you and tells you this that you just didn't like my face otherwise everything was OK no matter you like or not. 

Another funny moment worth writing. The new manager is finally enjoying the power and control over his team. After every conversation with team members where he is able to convince team member about his plan, his question, he murmurs a tune and drinks water too many times from bottle. It’s a regular feature I am noticing for long. I have a feeling he was under tremendous pressure taking over the team. I am not sure if there are any concerns with him leading the team in long term. Hope he does well but there is a stress visible on his face dealing with people. I am only worried that I should not be blamed for this as I have cut off all communication links with old team members, well not totally cut off, but not initiating on those channels. Hope they never raise this with me.